In defense of marriage . . . act

Vanda and me in Arizona

Same-sex marriage isn’t our biggest problem. It’s too often a scapegoat. Like the majority of Americans, I am overwhelmingly in favor of the definition of marriage as being between one man and one woman. If you believe that the defense of marriage act and the prevention of marriage for homosexual couples are the best methods to preserve traditional marriage, you are sorely mistaken. Maybe it’s because of this particular day on the calendar that my sentiments are what they are.

Exactly fifteen years ago I married my dream girl. Really. I’d had a serious crush on her for a couple of years until she finally noticed me. I didn’t even realize Vanda’s change of heart towards me at first – even after she’d used her charm to coerce me into carrying her didgeridoo across the Pacific ocean, over the Rocky Mountains, and across the fruited plane after a band trip to Australia. It’s a nice boost to any relationship to have romantic stories from the start though, isn’t it?

The problem is, romantic gestures are easy at the beginning. No kids. More money. Dreams haven’t been pacified by life. The world is full of promise with the one we’ve hitched up with for the rest of our lives. But even though that promise, which is from God, never fades, we allow it to disappear from our experiences. Our marriages are lackluster not because somebody else has an improper view of what an intimate union between two people should look like; they fail because we do.

At the risk of sounding like a public service announcement I’ll offer this advice to Christians trying to save the institution of marriage. Instead of depending of the Defense of Marriage Act; in defense of marriage . . . act. Act as if the dreams you had for you and your lover can still happen. Or, even better, act as if the dreams you had didn’t quite measure up to the awesomeness of what God really had in store for you. Maybe he’s been directing you into a better way but you’ve been feeling to sorry for yourselves to notice.

The best romance is the one where your lives are so intertwined with God’s will that you end up living life to the fullest extent together. I have a feeling that some of the people who get so irate about the issue of same-sex marriage are defending something they’ve never had – a godly marriage. Sounds a bit Pharisaical if you ask me (whitewashed tombs and all).

Vanda is the person God has given to me. We’ve had many difficulties over the past 15 years, but we still dream. We still celebrate what God has done and what he will do. So can you.


11 thoughts on “In defense of marriage . . . act

  1. As Dave’s father-in-law I am duty bound to comment.
    He has told me that he knew Vanda was the one when he saw her in her Salvation Army Uniform sitting in the Gallery during a concert in England. At that point they had not even met! I have to tell you I told Dave I didn’t buy it, nice romantic story, and a lovely one for my grand-children to hear but come on. But I have given it some thought since, I guess I should be more understanding, since I first met Vanda’s mother when we were 13 and knew then that she was for me, so maybe I do buy it Dave.
    So far as marriage is concerned well I have been truly blessed. Vanda’s mom died the year she and Dave married, and just three years ago I remarried a lady who had become a friend of our family. Why do I say I am so blessed well read Proverbs 31 vs 10 – 31. These words describe both of my wives, and I am privileged to have been their husband, there is no experience to be compared to be “equally yoked”.
    Happy anniversary Vanda and Dave.

  2. (psst I think you meant overwhelmingly not overwhelming) seems to suggest it’s pretty close to 50/50. Demographics suggest things will continue to slew towards the recognition of the reality of love over the traditional of repression.

    Most of your sentiment here is pretty good though.

    “I was against gay marriage… then I realized I didn’t have to have one”

    • D’oh! Thanks for catching that mistake. I’m still my worst editor, Kirk.

      I suppose that if “majority” means more than 50%, then it was an accurate statement. The “overwhelming[ly]” wasn’t about the number of people who are for traditional marriage, but to let readers know that I’m not confused about what I believe on the issue. Certainly could have been written better.

      I don’t disagree with you about the direction of the trend. I do disagree with you about the reality of love. But hey, you didn’t think we’d agree on everything did you?

      • Well, you know, if God doesn’t like gay people he should stop making so many of them.

        (Yeah, I know that’s a little trite and someone could in theory argue a nature vs nurture line, or maybe God WANTS them to be celibate all their life as a special gift for Him, but I don’t think those are reasonable lines to take.)

        As you probably realize, the Bible itself has relatively little to say about it; there are some OT verses that list it as an abomination, as is eating shellfish– two things you might expect to hear as advice for a scrappy little tribe that needed to keep up its population numbers.

        The culture battle aspect of it then is broader, the idea that society and people in that society should be compelled or nudged to meet “norms” as dictated by an ongoing church traditions, that the final word in morality was established in one of the several big religions thousands of years ago, that any concept of moral or ethical progress after that is suspect, probably just degeneracy of one sort or another in disguise. But facts point to the earth going around the Sun, even if that didn’t make sense to the church of the 1600s, and people are just gay, even if that doesn’t make sense to the church of the 2000s.

        But I respect your more balanced line in this, one that emphasizes the more open message of Jesus in the NT, even as I look askance at you throwing in your lot with the whole Chik-Fil-A crowd and that flavor of judgmental cultural conservatism.

      • Ha! Great comeback, Kirk! If God hates liars so much, he should stop making politicians, too!

        Just for clarification, my blog about Chik-Fil-A was to clarify that I wasn’t throwing my lot with all of the people who went to Chik-Fil-A that day. It was about my condudrum of not being lumped in with political and religions drones (which both parties have) but still being able to participate in the right to speak out against the politicians who banned an organization from their cities because of a point of view.

        You probably know more about this than me, but I don’t think same-sex marriages are acceptable in non-Christian cultures either. So, it’s not really from just one religion or cultural background. And yes, once again, the church has gotten things wrong over the centuries. Still does at times. But that doesn’t mean we got everything wrong.

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